Pursuit and Distance in Online Dating

Every heard of ‘pursuit and distance’? You may or may not know this term, but you can be sure you’ll have danced to its tune at some point in your life!

‘Pursuit and distance’ is a term given to describe how humans engage in relationships, it is about balance, there is the ‘pursuer’ and the ‘escapee’ and it can be applied to man and wife, parent and child, worker and employee, even friends can sometimes play this difficult game.

Pursuit and Distance In Day To Day Life

This dance of chase and avoidance has been covered in books, poems, literature and films for a very long time, it is a part of human nature. It is a popular subject and one which has been highlighted recently in the Golden Globe award winning ITV1 drama ‘Downton Abbey’. Set in ‘God’s Country’ (Yorkshire). The two lead characters of this quintessentially English costume drama, engage fully in the dance of pursuit and distance. Viewers can relate very well to the script, as will all have taken part in the dance of pursuit and distance at some time or another.

Pursuit and distance is a popular subject for those who specialise in psychological patterns and research. It is studied and written about from marriage counseling to family counseling and can be used in therapy to help pursuers understand their actions and hopefully change their behavior to live a more fruitful and rewarding life and not one based on an endless chase.

It is a fine balance and one which we, as humans, play every day. It could be a mother missing her son who has flown the nest, it’s a hard lesson but children have to make their own way at some point in life and a parent has to understand the boundaries so as not to become a hindrance, whilst still enjoying a happy balanced relationship with their child or children. It could be between two friends, one friend is a bit too keen and can’t understand why the more he or she tries to arrange nights out the less it seems to happen.

Pursuit and distance is usually a game we play and understand without realising, but some times, in certain situations, it can lead to displays of obsessive behaviour. Imagine pursuit and distance as a pendulum, it swings from side to side in a relationship, but in some cases, if pushed too hard from one side it can swing too heavily in the one direction; the more one person pursues, the more the other person tries to avoid contact.

Pursuit and Distance & Online Dating

With the above in mind, we can use the equation for a successful and happy time in online dating.

By respecting and understanding this game of ‘kiss chase’ when meeting someone new, we can get so much more from dating sites.

An online dating site is simply a database full of single people all looking for their special ‘someone’ to date, whether it be for love, friendship or a casual fling. But the way in which we use the site can determine how successful we are.

It is easy to assume that just because someone is there in front of us on the screen they’re ‘up for chatting’ and just because someone has viewed your profile, they will a) want a relationship and b) reply to an email in minutes. In reality, it is fair to assume that if you don’t receive a reply from an email after that person has viewed your profile, there will be no point in sending a third or fourth email. Even if you do receive an email, by appearing too keen you can become a ‘pursuer’ and early on in a friendship, this will not come across well to a prospective partner.
…..click for part two