Pursuit and Distance in Online Dating – Part 2

…..part 1 can be found here…..

Tips On Handling Pursuit & Distance

Accept that sending an email to someone you like the look of but you do not yet know is a far cry from going on a date. This is not meant to put you off, however, you do need a willing partner to start the pendulum of a relationship swinging.

Some people will be shy, or not used to online dating. It can be difficult to assess this from a member’s profile on a dating site, so patience is a virtue when it comes to waiting for people to reply, they may be interested but need to build up the confidence to reply, if you bombard people with emails it may scare them off.

An email not returned is possibly worth a second attempt later, but if you still hear nothing then leave it, accept that the other person is not interested and move on. By not doing this you are in danger of becoming a harasser, and although this may not reflect your true personality it can come across this way, we all have to apply self control at some point in our lives.

If someone does not reply to your email, or they suddenly stop replying during a conversation, accept it and do not take it to heart. There are many reasons why someone will not reply to an email, they could have met someone else, got back with an ex, given up on dating, or they could be on holiday, or busy with work. Again, the more you pursue, the less likely the other person will be to contact you.

Accept and understand that there are people on dating dating sites with all kinds of agendas and some of those will never end up going on a date. They could be getting over an ex, making an ex jealous, massaging their ego, or even just ‘half looking’. No matter how much you try, these people will always be out of reach and your time is far better spent meeting genuine daters.

If in doubt – Move on! Don’t waste time waiting for that special someone to reply, you’re all in the same boat and you shouldn’t feel guilty for emailing as many people as you like, until you reach the dating stage it’s all about seeing who is out there, you’re not committed to speaking with just one person. Meanwhile, you just might get that email you’re waiting for!

Don’t demand answers on why someone is not interested or has stopped replying to emails, just accept that for ‘whatever reason’, it’s time to move on, if they come back great, if not don’t let it perplex you, it is obviously not meant to be at that time, and again, by demanding answers you are in the danger zone of becoming a ‘harasser’.

Basic advice is to look at online dating as a lighthearted affair to begin with, and learn to take rejection like an adult. If someone is not interested, it’s their loss, but to get nasty or accuse people of time wasting is in itself a waste of time. Be mature and adult about it, you don’t have a god-given right to date the people you add as favourites. If you play it cool and respect the dance of pursuit and distance, you will find online dating sites far more rewarding, and once you have fine tuned your approach, and you can apply it to everyday life later!

The main rule of thumb, and one which will stand you in good stead is to never pursue a distancer, it will never work out in the long run and you will save yourself a lot of heartache. Love is a two way game and it needs two people willing to play and do you really want to end up someone just because they ‘gave in’ or would you rather be with someone who genuinely wants to be with you!?

Pursuit and Distance in Online Dating

Every heard of ‘pursuit and distance’? You may or may not know this term, but you can be sure you’ll have danced to its tune at some point in your life!

‘Pursuit and distance’ is a term given to describe how humans engage in relationships, it is about balance, there is the ‘pursuer’ and the ‘escapee’ and it can be applied to man and wife, parent and child, worker and employee, even friends can sometimes play this difficult game.

Pursuit and Distance In Day To Day Life

This dance of chase and avoidance has been covered in books, poems, literature and films for a very long time, it is a part of human nature. It is a popular subject and one which has been highlighted recently in the Golden Globe award winning ITV1 drama ‘Downton Abbey’. Set in ‘God’s Country’ (Yorkshire). The two lead characters of this quintessentially English costume drama, engage fully in the dance of pursuit and distance. Viewers can relate very well to the script, as will all have taken part in the dance of pursuit and distance at some time or another.

Pursuit and distance is a popular subject for those who specialise in psychological patterns and research. It is studied and written about from marriage counseling to family counseling and can be used in therapy to help pursuers understand their actions and hopefully change their behavior to live a more fruitful and rewarding life and not one based on an endless chase.

It is a fine balance and one which we, as humans, play every day. It could be a mother missing her son who has flown the nest, it’s a hard lesson but children have to make their own way at some point in life and a parent has to understand the boundaries so as not to become a hindrance, whilst still enjoying a happy balanced relationship with their child or children. It could be between two friends, one friend is a bit too keen and can’t understand why the more he or she tries to arrange nights out the less it seems to happen.

Pursuit and distance is usually a game we play and understand without realising, but some times, in certain situations, it can lead to displays of obsessive behaviour. Imagine pursuit and distance as a pendulum, it swings from side to side in a relationship, but in some cases, if pushed too hard from one side it can swing too heavily in the one direction; the more one person pursues, the more the other person tries to avoid contact.

Pursuit and Distance & Online Dating

With the above in mind, we can use the equation for a successful and happy time in online dating.

By respecting and understanding this game of ‘kiss chase’ when meeting someone new, we can get so much more from dating sites.

An online dating site is simply a database full of single people all looking for their special ‘someone’ to date, whether it be for love, friendship or a casual fling. But the way in which we use the site can determine how successful we are.

It is easy to assume that just because someone is there in front of us on the screen they’re ‘up for chatting’ and just because someone has viewed your profile, they will a) want a relationship and b) reply to an email in minutes. In reality, it is fair to assume that if you don’t receive a reply from an email after that person has viewed your profile, there will be no point in sending a third or fourth email. Even if you do receive an email, by appearing too keen you can become a ‘pursuer’ and early on in a friendship, this will not come across well to a prospective partner.
…..click for part two