Pursuit and Distance in Online Dating

Every heard of ‘pursuit and distance’? You may or may not know this term, but you can be sure you’ll have danced to its tune at some point in your life!

‘Pursuit and distance’ is a term given to describe how humans engage in relationships, it is about balance, there is the ‘pursuer’ and the ‘escapee’ and it can be applied to man and wife, parent and child, worker and employee, even friends can sometimes play this difficult game.

Pursuit and Distance In Day To Day Life

This dance of chase and avoidance has been covered in books, poems, literature and films for a very long time, it is a part of human nature. It is a popular subject and one which has been highlighted recently in the Golden Globe award winning ITV1 drama ‘Downton Abbey’. Set in ‘God’s Country’ (Yorkshire). The two lead characters of this quintessentially English costume drama, engage fully in the dance of pursuit and distance. Viewers can relate very well to the script, as will all have taken part in the dance of pursuit and distance at some time or another.

Pursuit and distance is a popular subject for those who specialise in psychological patterns and research. It is studied and written about from marriage counseling to family counseling and can be used in therapy to help pursuers understand their actions and hopefully change their behavior to live a more fruitful and rewarding life and not one based on an endless chase.

It is a fine balance and one which we, as humans, play every day. It could be a mother missing her son who has flown the nest, it’s a hard lesson but children have to make their own way at some point in life and a parent has to understand the boundaries so as not to become a hindrance, whilst still enjoying a happy balanced relationship with their child or children. It could be between two friends, one friend is a bit too keen and can’t understand why the more he or she tries to arrange nights out the less it seems to happen.

Pursuit and distance is usually a game we play and understand without realising, but some times, in certain situations, it can lead to displays of obsessive behaviour. Imagine pursuit and distance as a pendulum, it swings from side to side in a relationship, but in some cases, if pushed too hard from one side it can swing too heavily in the one direction; the more one person pursues, the more the other person tries to avoid contact.

Pursuit and Distance & Online Dating

With the above in mind, we can use the equation for a successful and happy time in online dating.

By respecting and understanding this game of ‘kiss chase’ when meeting someone new, we can get so much more from dating sites.

An online dating site is simply a database full of single people all looking for their special ‘someone’ to date, whether it be for love, friendship or a casual fling. But the way in which we use the site can determine how successful we are.

It is easy to assume that just because someone is there in front of us on the screen they’re ‘up for chatting’ and just because someone has viewed your profile, they will a) want a relationship and b) reply to an email in minutes. In reality, it is fair to assume that if you don’t receive a reply from an email after that person has viewed your profile, there will be no point in sending a third or fourth email. Even if you do receive an email, by appearing too keen you can become a ‘pursuer’ and early on in a friendship, this will not come across well to a prospective partner.
…..click for part two

Examining the grey areas between an affair and married dating

The term married dating has arisen in recent years as an often synonymous term for an affair. A lot of the use of the term comes online where dating sites try to steer clear of openly calling and marketing affairs (though of course many sites still do). In this sense married dating is very similar to an affair but in others it is technically not. Married dating can also mean a marriage with an open relationship where both or one partner engages in extra marital relations with consent of the other partner. This might seem abhorrent to many people but it is more common than you might think with many marriages remaining loving, caring and sexually active despite the awareness and practice of extra-marital relations. However, in this article we’re going to examine the grey areas between an affair and married dating as these often become very blurred – both intentionally and unintentionally.
The first thing to consider as a key difference is awareness. As we have already mentioned married dating can exist consensually between married couples or non-consensually. If there is openness about married dating then it falls out of the grey areas and into the white. If there is no consent then we are nowhere near the white. However, the grey area lies in fact in the problem of lying. Many married individuals both on dating sites and in real life will claim that they are either not married or that their partner consents to them having extra marital relations. When you are thinking of starting a relationship with a married individual you need to be aware that they may be lying if they claim to have their spouses consent. This doesn’t necessarily have to affect your own choices of action but it is worth considering as you are very unlikely to have any way of assessing the veracity of what they say.

The second grey area that comes up frequently is trust. Dating someone who is married generally means that you already know they are prepared and able to lie in a relationship. Even if their reasons are justifiable you need to be aware that trust can be a serious issue. If they are not being honest with their spouse then you cannot be sure they are going to be honest with you. If this isn’t a problem for you then that’s ok you just need to be aware.

The final grey area that often occurs comes in the actual differentiation between an affair and married dating. Most affairs usually last less than six months and this implies they are more of a casual fling than a serious attempt to leave a spouse. However, dating usually implies that a more long term relationship is looking to be formed. This creates a serious grey area as if a more long term relationship is sought then you need to examine why the person remains married. Whilst there is nothing provisionally wrong with “testing the waters” you may be putting yourself in a position where you will be hurting someone else in the long or short term. That is not to say that this should stop you but it should give you pause for thought before you take things too far.

You can discuss this post at Ozami Forum.

Going to bed with your ex- a good or bad idea?

Part 1 of sex with your ex can be found here.

1. Question your motives, a lot of men sometimes go back into old relationships because it’s an easy way of affirming that they are still attractive. The problem is that it sends mixed messages to your ex and is likely to leave you feeling very confused too. Women on the other hand rarely resurrect a sexual relationship with an ex-partner with the express intention of keeping it casual, so if you don’t want to get involved with again don’t go there.
2. If you do want to get back with your ex you will need to work out what went wrong last time if things are going to be different this time, consider therapy and counseling.

If after reading the pros and cons you still believe having sex with your ex is a good idea, here is a guide to make sure you go into it wisely and with realistic expectations:

1- Allow enough time to pass.

Even if you’ve had the most amicable breakup, you still need enough time to cool off before going back into anything intimate. The longer you went out together the longer you need to stay away. This might mean a couple of months for some people, for others it could be a year or more. If the break-up ended with raging arguments, screaming and crying you should wait even longer.

2- Make your intentions clear.

Let your ex no that you are not under any circumstances interested in getting back together and are only looking for a little fun. In fact, you may even want to drop hints about dating other people so that it’s plainly obvious you’re only interested in sex. If you dated for long enough, you should know whether your partner is the type to be OK with that or not. Many people are perfectly fine with a purely sexual relationship, but if you get a hint that your partner is even remotely interested in getting back with you stay far, far, away.

It might be easier to just lie there after you’ve done the deed, but you’re setting yourself up for a potential mess by staying over. Sleepovers are for relationships, not exes who are now friends-with-benefits. Next thing you know, she’ll be cooking you breakfast and the two of you will be shopping for furniture. When you’re done doing the deed and you’ve cleaned up, get out.

Having Sex with your ex, good or bad idea?

However it isn’t that uncomplicated, it is very easy for old feelings to resurface and unrealistic expectations of reconciliation can lead to disappointment.
Your relationship wasn’t working so you split up. But your split-up isn’t working too well either. You are single, miserable and surrounded by irritatingly loved-up couples and ever-so-happy families. With Christmas coming, a spot of “no strings” sexual solace in the arms of your ex starts to seem like the solution. Sex with your ex can be very tempting if your ex was the greatest lover you ever had or if you are still physically attracted to them. However, having sex with an ex, no matter how shallow or deep and intimate the relationship was, can be very tricky. Here is a list of the pros and cons of sex with your ex, and how to go about it wisely:
Pros:
Sex with the ex is appealing for many reasons. We feel comfortable with them, both inside and outside the bedroom. A new relationship or hook-up is generally awkward, and first-time sex is always a little uncomfortable. When having sex with an ex, we know their likes, their dislikes and they know ours as well. Sexual familiarity means the sex will probably be very pleasurable. Sex with an ex often feels like the obvious answer especially if your sex life before you broke up was amazing
It’s certainly cheaper. No need for expensive dates or elaborate mating ritual, it’s so much easier than starting something new. There’s a comfort level that comes with knowing someone really well that new relationships just don’t provide.
Cons:
Instead of remembering all the reasons you broke up, you start fantasizing about her soft, warm body up against yours or his big strong arms tightly wrapped around you making you feel safe. And before you know it you have convinced yourself that you can overcome any residual anger or upset and selflessly help each other through the night.
Next comes the reality check. Sex with your ex might relight your fire, but all the baggage that brought you down will still be there in the morning, safe sex is now an issue, too. It’s difficult to admit to having had sex with someone else, so even if your ex promises you that they have been celibate since you split, you will need to use condoms just in case.