MarcusMaximus
03-17-2008, 11:19 PM
Happy St Patrick's Day
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wishes they were Irish!
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch across from a brothel, and one noticed a Rabbi walk into the place. One said to the other, "It's a sad day when men of the cloth walk into a place like that." After a little while, the other man saw a minister walk into the brothel. He stood up and said to his partner, "Did ya see that? It's no wonder the children today are so confused with the example that the clergy are settin' for them." After about another hour, the first man saw a Catholic priest walk in. He promptly stood up and proclaimed to his partner. "Aw that is truely sad. One of the poor lassies must be dyin'."
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" The Irishman smiles and looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these!"
What's an Irish seven course meal? A six-pack and a potato.
Why did the Irishman cross the road? To pass out in the other ditch.
"Dad," asked the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?" "Aw son, here's twenty dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl."
Woman: "Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!"
Cop: "How do you know he was Irish?"
Woman: "I had to help him."
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me."
What's an Irish homosexual? An Irishman who likes girls more than whiskey.
How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan.
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled the cunt."
Young Schmitty was taking confession, when he told the Irish priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked. The priest nodded and said, "Yes Schmitty, indeed it is a sin...Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
How can you tell that an Irishman is married? He eats his potatoes cooked.
Why did God invent whiskey? So the Irish would never rule the world.
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wishes they were Irish!
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch across from a brothel, and one noticed a Rabbi walk into the place. One said to the other, "It's a sad day when men of the cloth walk into a place like that." After a little while, the other man saw a minister walk into the brothel. He stood up and said to his partner, "Did ya see that? It's no wonder the children today are so confused with the example that the clergy are settin' for them." After about another hour, the first man saw a Catholic priest walk in. He promptly stood up and proclaimed to his partner. "Aw that is truely sad. One of the poor lassies must be dyin'."
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" The Irishman smiles and looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these!"
What's an Irish seven course meal? A six-pack and a potato.
Why did the Irishman cross the road? To pass out in the other ditch.
"Dad," asked the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?" "Aw son, here's twenty dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl."
Woman: "Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!"
Cop: "How do you know he was Irish?"
Woman: "I had to help him."
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me."
What's an Irish homosexual? An Irishman who likes girls more than whiskey.
How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan.
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled the cunt."
Young Schmitty was taking confession, when he told the Irish priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked. The priest nodded and said, "Yes Schmitty, indeed it is a sin...Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
How can you tell that an Irishman is married? He eats his potatoes cooked.
Why did God invent whiskey? So the Irish would never rule the world.