Just a few funnies!

[marcell1002]

You're An Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying,
"Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are, "Gentlemen, start your engines. "

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

[marcell1002]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
>
> 1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling
> water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove
> itself.
>
> 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else
> to hold while you chop.
>
> 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
> using the sink.
>
> 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
> for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
> to use a timer.
>
> 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
> from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
> button.
>
> 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives , then you
> will be afraid to cough.
>
> 7. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[marcell1002]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[MarcusMaximus]

6. Someone in your family died right after saying,
\"Hey, guys, watch this.\"

should be: \"Hey Y\'All!! Watch this!!\"

((No one says \"guys\" in the south))