Edna and Bert

[jack schitt]

An elderly couple, Edna and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Edna looks him over, 'Nope'.

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Edna looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN EDNA ?'

'Nope', she replies.

'I T'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Edna replies 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat.'

[jack schitt]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are MARRIED....If this
does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I
would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margarita's went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times,
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,
in order to escape a possible conflict with him.(Even when totally smashed...
3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos - MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told
him"MIDNIGHT"... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.Whew, I got away with
that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckooclock."When I asked him why, he
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****."
Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more,and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[marcell1002]

Rofl!!! very fucking funny!

[cowboymod69]

rofl

[jack schitt]

A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominantly male)
while he was performing their colonoscopies:
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during
the exam were quite humorous.....

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man
has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my
head is not up there?"

[jack schitt]

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the f ------ cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon

[nobody32]

That's one VERY good reason why I have dogs.

[strongbadwrestling]

shoulda bought a hat...ha ha