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My left profile is better than my right profile.

Lady Gaga and the Vienna Sausage Mystery

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Mister Gaga?

Mister Gaga?

GO TO THE OZAMI FORUMS NOW

Lady Gaga.  Kind of a strange chick.  My wife decided to by her last CD – you know the one with the song “poker face” and something about wanting to ride your disco stick?  Yeah, that one.  I listened to her – she’s not too bad, I suppose.  Her looks remind me of Cher.  Remember Cher?  Holy Shit do I remember Cher.  She was very – ethnic looking and awfully damn sexy.  And Lady Gaga seems to share those qualities, too (I guess).  But, evidently, Gaga was filmed dancing on stage and it sparked rumors across celebrity gossip websites that she is (du du duuuunnnhhh) a hermaphrodite.

SEE CONTROVERSIAL FOOTAGE HERE. 

Hollyscoop.com reports there’s a rumor spreading like wildfire on the internet that Lady Gaga has both male and female reproductive parts and she’s reportedly even addressed it in the past.   

 ”It’s not something that I’m ashamed of, just isn’t something that I go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but i consider myself a female,” she reportedly wrote in a blog back in December 2008.   “I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I’m sexy, I’m hot.”   And you have a dick.  How many multi-gendered people do we have in the world?  Actually -The term “intersex” has been used and preferred by many such individuals, encouraging medical professionals to use the term. 

Lady Gaga raised eyebrows during the Glastonbury festival in England when the footage of her was shot and has since hit YouTube.

But Lady Gaga’s manager has told media outlets including ABCnews.com that the rumors of her being a hermaphrodite were “ridiculous.”

Hmmm.

Moving on people, moving on. 

There are roughly 307 million people in the United States, 50 million of which do not have health care.  That’s roughly 16.4% of the population.   Does it strike you odd that the rest of the United States, 83.6% of us, are not real interested in giving up our standard of health care?   The main problem is, they cannot afford to raise the healthcare of the 16.4% to the same level of care that the 86.3% have, and so – they plan to lower the playing field so that everybody gets crappy healthcare.  And of course the 86.3% get to pay for it.  As if we don’t pay enough for healthcare as it is.   We’re not too happy about that and we are letting our voices be heard as Congress takes their summertime break.  Townhall meetings across the US are showing a lot of pissed off people.   I will tentatively agree that something must be done to bring healthcare prices down, but I whole heartedly believe that Obamacare is simply NOT the answer. 

 What the answer is - I don’t know – Wouldn’t even PRETEND to know – but I do know that a government run healthcare system as broad and as far reaching as this plan is just one step closer to socialism.

 

Aint she cute?

Ain't she cute?

Nude photographs of “Twilight” star Ashley Greene have hit the Internet — and the actress’s attorney has a warning: post them and you’ll likely get sued.  “The photos in question, which appear to be of our client, are illegal and are being unlawfully displayed,” Greene’s lawyer said in a statement.  “Our client intends to take legal action.” Greene, 22, appeared Sunday at the Teen Choice Awards in Los Angeles, California, where she picked up the Choice Fresh Face Female award.  In total, “Twilight” netted 11 trophies at the awards show.  The actress is the latest starlet involved in a nude photo scandal. Recently, Leighton Meester denied the existence of a long-rumored sex tape. And in 2007, naked photos of Vanessa Hudgens surfaced online, forcing the actress to apologize to her fans.   Now, not that I wouldn’t want to see young Ashley with no clothes – I don’t want anybody posting those pics here – - (you can post links, though ;)   )

So we have a new member here at Ozami:  Veni Vidi Vici – A renaissance man  – wears make-up and chases deer and elk through the woods with sharp pointy sticks.  Yep, you guessed it – He’s (probably) Canadian.   No way, eh?   Be sure to drop him a line or two in the forums - – he seems to be buying everybody beer – which means he is either Canadian or a Politician.

 Which brings me to this joke:

An American, a Scot and a Canuk (American slang for a Canadian) were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth.”

He continued, “So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.”

Ozami = Lust

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Are you familiar with the seven deadly sins?

LUST

LUST

You know, pride, envy, wrath, gluttony, lust, sloth and greed.  I am sure you fall into one of these – - how could you not?  Go here and check out where you stand at the Seven Deadly Sins Test.

Me?  I scored like this:  “You have committed many sins, but Lust is the mortal sin that has done you in.”  Hell, I didn’t need a webpage test to tell me that.

So the Ozami email system has been fixed.  What? (you say) It was broken?  Well, you know, we had to move around a lot (for reasons I won’t go into here) and some bugs had to be worked out.  Now that the email system is working, I think I’ll send an email out to EVERYONE – and invite them back.  Particularly the female members.  The only female we have right now is Durgs – and she’s practically a dude, so she doesn’t count.  I sure do miss the other females (Tea, Jackie, and Kink).  They smell nice.

I know you are all following the Realtime Apollo 11 mission re-creation? Bizzybody is.

And so – -

Q:  How do you tell a girl that her boobs are out of control?

A:  You don’t

And to finish off this update here are two moments (1, 2) from the Trojan Olympic games (NSFW).  There are a few more out there – so if you find ‘em, post ‘em

MAXIMUS

What’s New

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Hot Topics on Ozami Forums:

I was looking at some pics of Megan Fox and saw her recently on Jimmy Kimmel and thought to myself, you know – that girl has got an Adam’s apple.  I pointed that out here. I think it’s kind of funny really, the prospect that the slobbering masses have been ogling a transsexual.  Transsexual – More Than Meets The Eye.

Mr. Megan Fox

Mr. Megan Fox

The Internet makes people crazy. We all know this.  The guy on the message board who just called you a shitclown for owning a different video game console than him probably would have been perfectly polite had you met in real life.  So which kind of crazy are you? Me?  I suffer from the “Low Forum Frustration Tolerance (a.k.a. The Frantic Browser Reloader)” – and go ahead, smack me in the head a couple of times.

Michael didnt look so good when he died...

Michael didn't look so good when he died...

Oh, and in case you haven’t heard, a bunch of famous people have died recently.  The list is just too long and I am beginning to worry a little.  Is it a sign of the end times?  Our B, C, and D list personalities are croaking right and left.  Some would argue that Micheal Jackson is an A list personality – and I would argue that he may have once been an A lister, but after spending too much time with little boys and then naming his kids after himself (and naming one of them “Blanket”) – he’s down there in the D lister region now.  Right next to Kathy Griffen.  Actually, me thinks he is even lower than the D-list – about 6 feet under.

Fresh on the heels of Star Trek and Terminator: Salvation we get the Inglourious Basterds trailer.  I love movies.  I really do.  Be sure to check out the Movie Quiz – this damn thing was HARD – but I did eventually get all 50.  Can you?

Yeah - its not easy being a movie geek.

Yeah - it's not easy being a movie geek.

And here’s a tune I bet you won’t be able to get out of your head all day long.

Yeah – you can thank me later.

High Noon

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Remember High Noon?

That old western about a marshal, personally compelled to face a deadly enemy, finds that his own town refuses to help him. It’s a good movie, a true classic. Will Kane (Gary Cooper), the marshal of Hadleyville, has just married pacifist Quaker Amy (Grace Kelly) and plans to resign from his post at the end of the day. Then the whole town hears that Frank Miller (Ian MacDonald), a man he had arrested and sent to the gallows, has been pardoned. Miller is due to arrive on the noon train and his gang is waiting for him at the station. When he arrives, he and his gang intend to exact revenge.

Everybody wants Kane to leave immediately, to avoid trouble. His wife threatens to leave on the noon train without him if he stays, but he refuses to give in. He spends most of the day trying to get the townspeople to back him up, to no avail. Even his deputy, Harvey Pell (Lloyd Bridges), refuses to help. Only his former mistress, Helen Ramírez (Katy Jurado), supports him, but there is little she can do to help.

In the end, Kane faces the four gunmen by himself. He shoots down two of Miller’s men. Amy chooses her husband’s life over her religious beliefs and kills the third by shooting him in the back while he reloads his gun in an alley next to Kane’s office, in which she has taken refuge. Miller then takes her hostage. Miller then offers to trade her for Kane. Kane agrees, coming out into the open. Amy, however, struggles with Miller, clawing his face as the two men shoot. Kane’s shot kills Miller. He then contemptuously throws his marshal’s star in the dirt and leaves town with his wife.

This is George W. Bush in a nutshell.

He is doing what he thinks is right, what he knows is right, and everybody wants him to leave town, to avoid trouble. You can say what you want about George W. Bush, but he is a man of his convictions, a man who is willing to do what he knows must be done – even in the extreme face of adversity.

But the deck was stacked against him from the start. The 2000 election was a controversial victory, one which is still argued over even until today. The Democrats, the poor sore losers that they are, can not and will not let go his marginal victory over Al Gore. And then, to add insult to injury, Bush beats Kerry in 2004. Oh, the Democrats were, and still are, pissed off. The Red States, the Blue States, the cultural divide, the on going War in Iraq, the looming shadow of terrorism, Stem Cell research, an over zealous liberal media,….

Poor Old George W. Bush picked one hell of a time to be President of the United States.

And with the 2008 elections on the horizon, a democrat controlled Congress and Senate, and a war that has torn the country to shreds – George Bush has taken so many right hooks to the face that he just might be begging for a left jab to the jaw just to change the pace. But he’s still standing – like a dazed Rocky Balboa, he keeps standing there, trading punches, doing what he thinks is right for the country. It’s coming up on the twelfth round for George…

I have to say that I kind of admire the man.

That’s right, I said it. Those eleven words would never, ever be uttered anywhere else but here. Even the Fox News Network would be hard pressed to show a little admiration for a man who is generally maligned by the media and the public at large. Admiration for a man who is the quintessential underdog, the guy everybody expects to lose, whose character is slandered, criticized, and smeared not just in our own country, but almost every where else in the world. A man blamed for every goddamned thing that has come down the pike – even for things he had no control over and had nothing to do with. And he keeps standing, he keeps fighting, he keeps doing what he thinks and knows to be right.

I cannot help but hope that when this is all over with, when historians look back and cast their attentions on poor old George W. Bush, that they’ll see that he was right, that he did know what he was doing, and that he did do the right thing. And the world was a better place because of it. Then maybe George will see a little vindication.

I’m an underdog supporter – I root for the guy who everyone expects and wants to lose – the football team that no one can believe is in the playoffs, the old over weight boxer trying for a twilight year’s comeback, a man who leaves his family in a snow storm trying to seek help. These are my heroes, men who look courageously into the face of adversity, shrug off their personal discomfort, and march on.

Only time will tell.

George W. Bush marches on. Poor Dumb Bastard.

The Truth

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Is it at all possible to get a fair, objective viewpoint anymore? Must everything be right or left slanted? Is there anyone out there who has an opinion that is just – you know – middle of the road? I surf the blogs – I read the media pundits – I listen to the talking heads on TV. I just want the truth. Mostly I want everybody to acknowledge the truth. The truth is supposed to be a solid thing, based upon factual events, on words that were actually spoken, on events that actually happened. Bending the truth or being historically selective with the truth is pretty close to lying. In court you must, “…swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God.” And yet when the truth doesn’t suit their purposes… Well, you know what happens, don’t you?

You can’t believe anybody anymore. You can’t believe your duly elected officials, you can’t believe the guy giving you the evening news, you can’t believe ANYTHING you read whether in a newspaper or on the internet, and you and your family, friends, and co-workers can only throw up your hands in frustration at being lied to 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Like Agent Mulder on the X-Files used to say, “The Truth is out there.” But evidently the truth likes to hide from us; behind trees, under rocks, or deep dark closets.

We don’t even know what truth is: Common dictionary definitions of truth mention some form of accord with fact or reality. There is no single definition of truth about which the majority of scholars agree, and numerous theories of truth continue to be widely debated. There are many differing claims on such questions as what constitutes truth, how to define and identify truth, what roles do revealed and acquired knowledge play, and whether truth is subjective, relative, objective, or absolute. But bottom line: One man’s truth is another man’s lie.

As for the question: “Why are we in Iraq?”

Several reasons: To remove a brutal dictatorial leadership and free the oppressed people of Iraq; To assert American influence in the Middle East and create and maintain a strategic base within the heart of the region that will allow us react, militarily, to further terrorist provocations and/or threats to the United States, our allies, and our ‘interests’ in the region; To create a viable and successful democratic society in a section of the world that seems to loathe the very concept of “freedom”; and to drag the most backward, barbaric culture on the face of the planet into the 21st Century. (I wrote this in answer to another blog somewhere and liked it so much I’m sticking it in here.)

And that is mostly the truth.

All else is bullshit, really. People, who demean our leaders, our citizens, our soldiers, and our country as a whole, are bending the truth to suit their own purposes. They say things like,

“Perpetual warfare,” “What a mess,” “Bushistas,” “…shrieking war monkeys,” “These people running our government make me ill… but it hurts me to think of the damage Bush and Co. are doing to our nation in general and
our brave soldiers specifically.”

All coming from individuals who don’t even know what a M16A2 or M4 is, let alone have been called upon to fire one. When are people going to wise up to fact that this type of rhetoric does more damage than good? That this type of language not only erodes the authority of our duly elected leaders, but it tears down the morale and confidence of the American people. This kind of truth is hurtful, degrading, and counterproductive.

Certainly there is room for political discourse, which is healthy for a democratic society, but allowing blind hatred of a political figure and his administration get in the way of doing the ‘right’ thing is not just counter-productive, it’s wrong. We have much more to loose here then some stupid political battle. This situation is far beyond what political party is in charge and who is calling the shots – this is a dire situation where our society, our culture, our traditions, the very fabric of our belief systems, is at risk. At what point do we say: “Politics be damned – let us be the victors.”?

I am not a warmonger, truly I am not – but by God, if someone picks a fight with me – then I will fight that fight – and I will fight to win.

And that, dear reader, is the truth.

Want to hear a scary story?

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This is a horror story – I rank it right up there with anything Stephen King or Dean Koontz imagine – a terrible, frightening little story that might keep you up at night.

First, as with all stories, we need a setting. This story is based in the Middle East, more specifically, a horrible place called Iran. We have no idea how far along the Iranian nuclear program is. We’ve been told that it will be at least ten years before Iran goes nuclear. Our intelligence people admit that they lack invaluable human intelligence (HUMINT) from inside Iran which is essential for an accurate assessment – so how can they make such a confident estimate? Despite our intelligence professionals trying to their damnedest to determine Iran’s nuclear capability – we have had intelligence failures before: We didn’t know how close the former Soviet Union was to economic collapse before they imploded; we were surprised to learn that Saddam Hussein was within a year of the atom bomb after the first Gulf War in 1991; our intelligence failed again before 9/11; and, as those of a liberal mind like to point out – we have yet to find WMD in Iraq despite being in country for years.

But how long does it take to make a nuclear bomb? The Iranians began seeking the bomb way back in 1980. It is now some 27 years later and we are told they may need yet another 5-10 years. All of the other nuclear powers took far less time. The United States, Russia, China, England, France, Israel, Pakistan, India and North Korea, all produced their bomb in far less than 27 years. We have college students here in the U.S. who can build one in much less time with plans off the internet. Pakistan and North Korea are not high tech societies, yet they have developed the bomb. Iraq’s Osirak reactor was destroyed in 1981 by Israel and yet ten years later Saddam Hussein was within a year of his first bomb. After the war U.S. intelligence was surprised to discover just how close Saddam was.

One might argue that Iran in 1980 was very backward in the technology needed to produce the bomb. But there are also other important factors that work in Iran’s favor. Iran has ample oil revenues to fund nuclear research and development. Iran could draw on the expertise of A.Q. Kahn the Pakistani nuclear scientist who was involved in proliferating nuclear expertise among other Muslim regimes. Iran is receiving nuclear expertise from Russia and now from North Korea. Iran has been able to buy commercial technology from European countries that, while ostensibly non-sensitive, can still be used to build important parts of the nuclear infrastructure. America built its first nuclear bomb in less than 5 years using 1940’s technology. Today Iran can employ technology that is far more advanced.

So why is it taking them so long? There are several ‘good’ answers to this question, I suppose, but I submit to you the following: Iran has already produced their first bomb(s) and has acquired nuclear weapons from rogue elements inside the former Soviet Union.

If that is true it would also make sense for Iran to keep this secret – a secret program which is hidden inside Iran and perhaps also in other Muslim countries such as Syria and Sudan. It would make sense for Iran to keep their early progress secret lest it trigger a powerful international response before they are ready. After all, look what we did to Saddam Hussein. At the very least they would have to face severe draconian sanctions instead of the limited ones now in force. It could also trigger a military response from America and or Israel which would then destroy Iran’s nuclear program before it became fully developed. While the world is focused on halting the program we know about, we may be totally blind to the one we don’t know about. History shows that nations can sometimes succeed in implementing great deceptions against their adversaries.

So that is our setting – A nuclear powerful Iran. Now let’s use our imaginations a little and take this one step further (yeah, this is the scary part):

In the near future, the spring of 2009, President Hillary Clinton is forced to deal with Iran. Her administration feels it is too dangerous to wait any longer before confronting Iran. She, backed by a Democrat controlled congress, and supported by the United Nations, issues an ultimatum to Iran. She demands that they open up all of their nuclear facilities and allow the dismantling of anything related to a weapons program or face military attack on those facilities. With two U.S. carrier task forces plus NATO contingents nearby, Iran knows this is no bluff.

In response Iran issues their own ultimatum to America and Europe. It might read as follows:

“The Islamic Republic of Iran has long prepared for the time when America, the Great Satan, would dare to issue such an arrogant ‘ultimatum’. You should know better than to threaten us. We have told you repeatedly that our determination is unshakable and not subject to bribes nor threats of any kind. Our faith in Allah is total. We are strong and willing to die for our cause. We know that your society is weak and cannot endure pain. Even if you destroy Iran there are nearly 1.5 billion Muslims in the world who will become even more enraged against you and even more determined to wage jihad until the final victory of Islam over the Crusaders.

“Over the years we have installed many sleeper cells in both America and in western Europe. Your open borders made it easy to place our agents. They are equipped with chemical, biological and nuclear devices. They remain invisible to you because they are easily hidden inside the Muslim communities and with ample funds from us they need not seek work or other forms of public exposure. There has been no attack inside America since 9/11 because we chose to wait and not because your security is so good. Striking sooner would have been premature before we were fully prepared.

“Your modern infrastructure makes your society highly vulnerable to attack from within. We have studied all of your weak points and are capable of wreaking havoc on any scale, and sustained over any time period that we choose. We can attack your electric grid, your gas pipe lines, your communications, your food supply, your financial networks, and much more. We can cause panic and terror that will greatly compound the physical damage. It would not be just one blow at one spot but many blows, in many places, over weeks and even months. We built a navy that can attack oil tankers on the international sea lanes and well as oil facilities in the Middle East. We can collapse the economies of the West which depend so much on oil. We will demolish your infrastructure. We will demolish your national self-confidence. You will live in chaos and in permanent fear of us.

“You are in no position to issue an ultimatum to us. We Muslims can hurt you far more than you can hurt us. We do not fear Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD), quite to the contrary, we embrace it. It is we who now issue our ultimatum to you. You will promptly begin the total withdrawal of all U.S. and European forces from all Middle East countries. Europe and America will cease all trade and all aid to the Zionist entity that occupies the holy land of Palestine. Europe and America will facilitate the resettlement of all Jews from occupied Palestine. If you like Jews so much then you can move them to your countries. You must warn the Zionist entity that they must totally disarm their military including their nuclear weapons. Their disarming and their resettlement elsewhere is their only chance to survive. If Iran is attacked by the Zionists then Iran will attack Jews globally and also attack with full force inside America. You will have to choose how many American cities, and how many American lives, you are willing to lose to defend your Zionist friends. We strongly suspect that your answer will be “none” “.

The above ‘ultimatum’ from Iran may strike some people as fantasy and nonsense. It is easy to dismiss, to ignore and to be in denial. Perhaps such a threat is unlikely but we have already been told that Iran is preparing the capability for a nuclear Electro Magnetic Pulse (EMP) attack where a single nuclear bomb, launched from a ‘civilian’ ship off shore and detonated 200 miles above the U.S., could burn out our delicate electronic circuits and paralyze the nation. If any part of the preceding scenario is possible shouldn’t we be giving this our full attention?

Now, if that is not a scary story – then I don’t know what is.

(Pulled from an article written by Rachel Neuwirth with some minor changes by me.)

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“War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.” – John Stuart Mill

Okay – so it started with a report from NBC : HERE AT YOU TUBE

Then some liberal cultural elite guy over at the Washington Post, William M. Arkin, wrote a cheerful little piece that I am sure will warm all your hearts. Read the article here: ARKIN’S A PINHEAD

And then if you read on further through the article you get to reader comments. And, man, oh man – do the folks let the A-hole have it. Most of it made me smile, I must admit. There are several other blogs that address the article: BlackFive and Fuzzilicious to name a few. So I won’t get into the thick mud of it all. Suffice it to say that there is a number of cultural elitists who believe that they are better educated, higher paid, and better-rounded than the rest of us and that their opinions count and ours do not.

How sad, our country and our newspapers feel fit to castigate our brave military. We were once a proud America, when everyone stood for our National Anthem with their hands on their hearts. Those days are gone. Now, we are clogged with traitors and seditionists like Hanoi Jane, the Media and the Hollywood establishment. What is so confusing is, if the terrorists had their way, Hollywood would be burned to the ground and everyone in it because they are looked upon as evil and disgusting and breaking the laws of Islam.

Too bad our military must defend them along with the Americans who love and respect them.

I would love to see the cultural elite substantiate their remarks pertaining to service members expressing “intolerance and anti-democratic views” and using their “position to try and bully others into submission”. I dare say, to a man (and woman), they have done more to promote representative democracy in the world than any cultural elitist ever will. Perhaps if they were to stand between suicide bombers and a voting line, they would truly know what ‘anti-democratic’ really means.

And then Mr. Arkin writes a rebuttal to all the hate mail he got: HERE. I mean, this guy just won’t fucking stop.

It is just another example of the liberal biased media having the nerve to criticize our troops and leaders who have kept this nation safe from terrorism since 9/11. Meanwhile the left leaning media’s contribution to post 9/11 is to lend credibility to the terrorists and those who support them while condemning those who are protecting their ability to write their articles any way that they wish, as idiotic as they are. Don’t even get me started on the typical “giving the finger” attitude of those in the media/entertainment field such as the morons from Turner who caused the city of Boston to be shut down due to a marketing gimmick.

And they criticize the intelligence of Bush?

Typical liberals, typical Cultural Elite Main Stream Media.

I hate those bastards.

Sage Advice from a simple mind….

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January 11, 2006

“If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth the writing.” – Benjamin Franklin

I just read a news story by Michael Ledeen titled “One Moment in Time” where he rather nonchalantly reports the passing of Osam Bin Laden. “….And, according to Iranians I trust, Osama bin Laden finally departed this world in mid-December. The al Qaeda leader died of kidney failure and was buried in Iran, where he had spent most of his time since the destruction of al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The Iranians who reported this note that this year’s message in conjunction with the Muslim Haj came from his number two, Ayman al-Zawahiri, for the first time…..” http://www.nationalreview.com/ledeen/ledeen200601090808.asp (( The first red flag in this report is “according to Iranians I trust…”))

No big deal, I guess. Seems maybe the world has lost interest in Bin Laden – no one seems hot on corroborating this juicy bit of info (yes, I am working on it) but I guess my real concern is that his death wasn’t even the subject of the article. Not really. It talks about Chinese theory and history and sequence of events as compared to moments in time.

“In short, both demography and geopolitics make this an age of revolution..”

Carpe Diem and all that – the real challenge of recognizing an important moment when it is upon you. Easier said then done, I think, but a valid point. I think it’s a good article, nonetheless.

********************************************

As my Grandfather, a farmer in the north panhandle of the great state of Texas, used to say…

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
* Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
* Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
* Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
* As you look forward to where you are going, always remember to take stock in where you are.

Happy Friggin’ New Year

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Happy Friggin’ New Year
December 27, 2005

Hello, it’s me Marcus Maximus. How ya doing?? Did ya have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, or a righteous Kwanza? (Did I spell those right?) – - Me?? Well, since you asked – - I woke up Christmas morning with the mother of all migraine headaches. Yes – It was a living hell. Spent most of the day in bed, nursing my head, wishing I was dead – - you get the picture. Did eventually get my sorry ass up and (with plenty of drugs) greeted all the people I had invited over to the Maximus household with a bright and cheery face.

I have often thought that BLOGS were the epitome of self indulgence – the end all – be all of self-absorption. Be that as it may, I just couldn’t let Teabags, Milky and the others run away, screaming incoherently down the hallways of the internet, over turning trash cans, banging on drums, pissing off the neighbors, and making a nuisance of themselves (especially Tea – as that we all know what a crazy mixed up women she can be). Of course, I only say this with the utmost respect and affection towards all my Ozamian friends.

So all last week, and this week too, the media has been pumping us with the year in review – and what a crazy, F’d-up year it has been, eh? Disasters, War, Pestilence, Famine, and Michael Jackson? All the crazy bullshit we have been inundated with for the past twelve months has, at least by my calendar, come to an end. Isn’t that convenient? With the magical tick-tock of the clock we will usher in a new year and do our damn best to forget the year before. Clean slate, fresh start, new beginning – - Hooo Aaahhh!! It’s the end of the world as we know it – and I feel fine. Yes-sir-ee Bob, I do – I do – I do.

And you know who’s glad this year is over? George Bush.

No shit.

Wouldn’t you hate to be that poor bastard? Don’t get me wrong – I voted for the guy, I supported the guy, and still do – - but every damn thing that has gone wrong, in the entire world, has been blamed on him. I mean, you’d think the dude was God or something. Tsunami? That was Bush’s fault – he invented Global Warming, you know, which caused the ice caps to melt, which caused more water in the ocean, causing greater pressure on the Teutonic plates, which shifted under the heavy weight of the ocean, which caused the Tsunami, which caused 200 thousand (+) deaths – and it was Dubya’s fault. Same thing with Katrina. Don’t ya know? Kanye West – a very wise man indeed- said George Bush hates black people – so it MUST be true. What is it that Kanye does for a living? Something very profound – I am sure.

And the War in Iraq? No weapons of mass destruction (WMDs)? Ask Syria where Sadam’s WMDs went – they know the deal. Insurgents? Better there than here, I say. You’d think that Al Queda would eventually run out of people wanting to blow themselves up. I mean, there’s got to be only a finite number of people willing to strap on a bomb and go for a walk, eh? Nope – revenge and martyrs walk hand in hand because the Middle East is one seriously dysfunctional land. And let’s not forget who the real mover and shaker in the Middle East was/is – Iran. Those guys are nuts, hate our guts, AND they have WMDs.

Gas prices? You know, if you cut George Bush – he bleeds oil – - so you know that high gas prices are his fault too.

But you know who made out like bandits in 2005? The democrats. Don’t kid yourself – - the Democrats are VERY glad to have lost the 2004 election. Why? Hell, with John Kerry in office can you imagine the mess the Dems would be in? All this anti-war rhetoric would be falling on Kerry’s shoulders like a ton of bricks. And would the war be over right now? Nope. Would our troops be coming home? Nope. And that krazy ass momma, Cindy Sheehan, would still be pitching a bitch and whining about the war and Kerry would just say –“well, we’re are committed to bringing peace to the region, so we can’t leave just yet…” And then pile on everything else that happened in 2005?? Yeah – them Dems are really glad they lost that election – a serious blessing in disguise.

Yeah – 2005 sucked.

The only good thing to come out of 2005 was Ozami.com. But that goes without saying, right?

Well, here’s to 2005 – raise your glass and say a prayer – and shake your ass like you just don’t care!!

I’ll see ya’ll next year.

Max